It has long been the common wisdom that before you embark on any "risky" venture, you should set up a plan B. This includes becoming an actor, musician or writer. In one case it was even true for a medical student I know; who's mother insisted he become a concert pianist "just in case" medicine didn't work out.
On a side note, it is seen as poor form to have a plan B for your relationships. This seems counter intuitive to me. One of the biggest risks you can take is getting married. Your finances, social life, children's welfare are all tied to one person. The divorce rate is 50%. Going in you know you have a 1 in 2 chance that it will fail spectacularly. This seems a good time for a plan B. A prenup perhaps? Or a separate bank account to serve as a get-out-fast fund if needed. But this is the one emotionally driven decision where people can see that having a plan B is actually having one foot out the door.
A plan B is always the equivalent of not fully committing. My sister is a singer/ song writer. She didn't finish year 12, instead doing a diploma of music and getting on with her career. I still hear people ask about her plan B. But she doesn't have one. For a while she taught singing lessons. I'm sure she was a great teacher. But soon she realised that the money was nice. She liked being able to afford the odd luxury. And all too soon, her writing time was teaching time. She quit being a singing teacher because as a plan B it was taking over from her plan A.
As a fellow creative I also get the "but what do you really do?" questions. I have tried so many times to find a plan B. Could I be a paralegal? Yes probably but I don't want to. What about a hairdresser? Again yes but I doubt it would be a good fit. There are any number of things I could do instead of being a writer. None of them would make my heart sing. All of them would be a waste of the talent and time I have invested in this path.
I have applied for and been rejected for two PhD's. This is it's own form of spectacular failure. But I'm grateful to the academics who think I am unworthy. They have prevented me from escaping down my own plan B. I like to know I have back up. I like to know I'm on the right track. I have a (sometimes) crippling lack of self belief. A PhD would have allowed me to hide for 3-4 years while I toiled away in private on a baby of my choosing. It would have delayed me having to push forward toward publication and finding out once and for all if I will indeed fail.
As I get older I get less sensible. I take bigger risks. I have discovered that I would rather fall flat on my face than never try to fly. So this coming 12 moths will see me either published by a publisher or go it alone and self-publish. The two are equally valid in my mind. I just like the external belief that a publisher represents.
And if I go it alone and no one buys my book. Well then I am a spectacular failure but I would still rather fail at something I love than succeed at something I hate. After all isn't the attempt worth more than the fall?
Sunday 23 August 2015
Tuesday 18 August 2015
My Self-Help Book Dream
The self-help book market is huge. I would love to get in on that gravy-train. No one seems to have any qualifications. If they do it seems to be secondary to a story of personal failure that has been over come through the use of a personal philosophy.
I have had to over come adversity; in the form of going through a very difficult divorce, among other things. So being a failed wife is my ticket to self-help street cred. And I have a personal philosophy. Which did indeed help me through my long dark tea-time of the soul.
My personal philosophy however does not make a good book jacket. It is not hearts and flowers. It is not uplifting. My personal philosophy is "Fuck It!" It is somewhat similar to Nike and just do it. But is the hard arsed big brother of that thought.
I have above my desk a little sign I wrote for days when I feel self-doubt. "Just write a shitty first draft" it reads. This is my kind of inspiration. It is based on a realistic understanding who I am as a person and what I can actually achieve on any given day.
My personal philosophy does not hold that anything will ever be wonderful. Simply that showing up and having a go will produce some result. And lets face it no one like people who are perfect. "Fuck It" is at its core a statement that attempting something is better than not attempting it.
This does not leave room for self doubt. It does not give you time to procrastinate or over think things. You want to write a book? Off you and write that shitty first draft. You want to run a marathon? What is wrong with you? Don't you know your insurance will go up? But you can just go do that if you want to.
Preparation is doing things now when you don't know if they will be what you need in the future. But a lot of skills are transferable. So make the next move, you will have an opportunity to make another move real soon.
The other problem, aside from having profanity on a book jacket, is that this philosophy does not really need a 200 page explanation. I could fill a book with quirky anecdotes of the people I've helped and how "Fuck It" has changed their life. There would be Bill; the accounting exec who always dreamed of being a clown in the circus so took juggling lessons and now travels the world as a performance artist and tax guru. Cathy; the stay at home mum who dreamed her cookies would make the world a better place and has now funded a Ugandan diabetes hospital from the proceeds of her cottage industry bake sales. And of course my own story of struggle as I left my husband to take on my dream of being a world class dominatrix.
Actually, Fuck It. I'm going to write that shitty first draft.
I have had to over come adversity; in the form of going through a very difficult divorce, among other things. So being a failed wife is my ticket to self-help street cred. And I have a personal philosophy. Which did indeed help me through my long dark tea-time of the soul.
My personal philosophy however does not make a good book jacket. It is not hearts and flowers. It is not uplifting. My personal philosophy is "Fuck It!" It is somewhat similar to Nike and just do it. But is the hard arsed big brother of that thought.
I have above my desk a little sign I wrote for days when I feel self-doubt. "Just write a shitty first draft" it reads. This is my kind of inspiration. It is based on a realistic understanding who I am as a person and what I can actually achieve on any given day.
My personal philosophy does not hold that anything will ever be wonderful. Simply that showing up and having a go will produce some result. And lets face it no one like people who are perfect. "Fuck It" is at its core a statement that attempting something is better than not attempting it.
This does not leave room for self doubt. It does not give you time to procrastinate or over think things. You want to write a book? Off you and write that shitty first draft. You want to run a marathon? What is wrong with you? Don't you know your insurance will go up? But you can just go do that if you want to.
Preparation is doing things now when you don't know if they will be what you need in the future. But a lot of skills are transferable. So make the next move, you will have an opportunity to make another move real soon.
The other problem, aside from having profanity on a book jacket, is that this philosophy does not really need a 200 page explanation. I could fill a book with quirky anecdotes of the people I've helped and how "Fuck It" has changed their life. There would be Bill; the accounting exec who always dreamed of being a clown in the circus so took juggling lessons and now travels the world as a performance artist and tax guru. Cathy; the stay at home mum who dreamed her cookies would make the world a better place and has now funded a Ugandan diabetes hospital from the proceeds of her cottage industry bake sales. And of course my own story of struggle as I left my husband to take on my dream of being a world class dominatrix.
Actually, Fuck It. I'm going to write that shitty first draft.
Monday 17 August 2015
Things I'd tell my son
I have two clever, cheeky daughters. (They are also both conventionally beautiful but I object to women and girls being judged on or praised for their looks.) I do not have a son and I think this next might make him grateful for his non- existence.
Having a penis does not make you special. It does not make you more important than anyone else. It does not entitle you to having your opinions valued more than someone else. It does not entitle you to more food or better stuff. Having a penis does not make you inherently more valuable.
It does give you privileges. You have not earn these things; you don't deserve them.
These privileges include:
Being able to walk down the street alone at any time of day without fear. The women in your life - yes all of them- can not do this.
Being able to have an "off"day. If you have a bad day no-one will suggest that it could be your "hormones". Do not do this to women. Women are entitled to have a bad day or be upset about something. Your job is to take that seriously.
Being paid more than a woman doing the same job. You don't do it better- you just have a penis. Donate the extra money to women's charities. I expect you to do this. You owe it to me, a woman who did not have a job for years as she cared for you.
Being physically strong. You will be physically stronger than most women in your life. Use this for good not evil. Never use your size or strength to hurt or intimidate anyone.
Being allowed to sleep around and being respected for that. Sleeping around is a natural part of self exploration. You want to do it and that's fine. The women in your life have the same drives. Let them do it too. Do not judge them. It is none of your business. They are not sluts. They deserve your respect. If you judged a woman for having a one night stand; hold yourself to the same standard. Don't do it. Otherwise shut up.
A side note on the friend zone. If a woman you know and fancy decides to have sex with literally everyone else on the football team but not you; she is not a slut. She does not owe you sex or even an explanation. As has been said before; you don't get a cookie for being a human. She is not "friends zoning" you. Get a grip, she doesn't fancy you and that's fine.
Please know that women are powerful. But for a woman (me) you would not exist. Respect women for the strong, powerful people they are. Most women have a harder time in life than men just because society still thinks that "people" and "men". Make space for difference in your life. Not just between men and women but difference generally. You can have an opinion but so can anyone and yours isn't better or more important just because it's yours.
Do not try to convert people. Everyone gets through life by believing things. They work from a framework that makes sense to them. It doesn't have to make sense to you. They are not required to explain it or justify it to you. You have your own framework. It will keep you safe from having to confront your ego too much. This is a form of self- protection we are all entitled to.
If you disagree with someone on something you feel passionate about then it is time to listen. Once you have heard and understood what they are saying, you are free to reject it completely. But do not start an argument. Do not defend your world view or ego by attacking theirs. They feel just as strongly and no good will come of it. Step back, move away and find your peace. The world needs difference. Leave it alone.
Cook, clean and wash for yourself. Having a penis does not entitle you to avoid house work. An average (not dedicated just average) stay-at-home mother works over 120 hours a week. A part time working-mother over 60 hours a week on home stuff. A full time working-mum works at least 30 hours a week at home. That is an extra full time job. Pull your socks up. Get in and get dirty. Having a penis and a job does not mean you can put your feet up and watch tv. That is your house and your baby and you should do the work.
There is no such thing as male work and female work. Mowing the lawn once a fortnight is not the same as making dinner every night. Do not assume that something more physically demanding is more worthwhile or difficult.
Please know that I love you and want you to be a force for good in the world.
Having a penis does not make you special. It does not make you more important than anyone else. It does not entitle you to having your opinions valued more than someone else. It does not entitle you to more food or better stuff. Having a penis does not make you inherently more valuable.
It does give you privileges. You have not earn these things; you don't deserve them.
These privileges include:
Being able to walk down the street alone at any time of day without fear. The women in your life - yes all of them- can not do this.
Being able to have an "off"day. If you have a bad day no-one will suggest that it could be your "hormones". Do not do this to women. Women are entitled to have a bad day or be upset about something. Your job is to take that seriously.
Being paid more than a woman doing the same job. You don't do it better- you just have a penis. Donate the extra money to women's charities. I expect you to do this. You owe it to me, a woman who did not have a job for years as she cared for you.
Being physically strong. You will be physically stronger than most women in your life. Use this for good not evil. Never use your size or strength to hurt or intimidate anyone.
Being allowed to sleep around and being respected for that. Sleeping around is a natural part of self exploration. You want to do it and that's fine. The women in your life have the same drives. Let them do it too. Do not judge them. It is none of your business. They are not sluts. They deserve your respect. If you judged a woman for having a one night stand; hold yourself to the same standard. Don't do it. Otherwise shut up.
A side note on the friend zone. If a woman you know and fancy decides to have sex with literally everyone else on the football team but not you; she is not a slut. She does not owe you sex or even an explanation. As has been said before; you don't get a cookie for being a human. She is not "friends zoning" you. Get a grip, she doesn't fancy you and that's fine.
Please know that women are powerful. But for a woman (me) you would not exist. Respect women for the strong, powerful people they are. Most women have a harder time in life than men just because society still thinks that "people" and "men". Make space for difference in your life. Not just between men and women but difference generally. You can have an opinion but so can anyone and yours isn't better or more important just because it's yours.
Do not try to convert people. Everyone gets through life by believing things. They work from a framework that makes sense to them. It doesn't have to make sense to you. They are not required to explain it or justify it to you. You have your own framework. It will keep you safe from having to confront your ego too much. This is a form of self- protection we are all entitled to.
If you disagree with someone on something you feel passionate about then it is time to listen. Once you have heard and understood what they are saying, you are free to reject it completely. But do not start an argument. Do not defend your world view or ego by attacking theirs. They feel just as strongly and no good will come of it. Step back, move away and find your peace. The world needs difference. Leave it alone.
Cook, clean and wash for yourself. Having a penis does not entitle you to avoid house work. An average (not dedicated just average) stay-at-home mother works over 120 hours a week. A part time working-mother over 60 hours a week on home stuff. A full time working-mum works at least 30 hours a week at home. That is an extra full time job. Pull your socks up. Get in and get dirty. Having a penis and a job does not mean you can put your feet up and watch tv. That is your house and your baby and you should do the work.
There is no such thing as male work and female work. Mowing the lawn once a fortnight is not the same as making dinner every night. Do not assume that something more physically demanding is more worthwhile or difficult.
Please know that I love you and want you to be a force for good in the world.
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