No. I am Not your destiny.

That song, you know the one, Shut Up and Dance, it really irritates me. And the line that irks me the most is "this woman is my destiny". That is not you call man. And it is deeply disturbing in how little heed is paid to her feelings or desires in the situation. It smacks of rape culture and patriarchy.

The really horrid part is I have had that line pushed on to me more than once. When I was young and silly I found it disturbing but flattering. To be wanted was nice. Now I have no tolerance for that rubbish and call it for what it is- obligation making.

I had a frank discussion with a friend of mine a few moths ago. I told them that I fancied them as more than a friend. I told them I liked their values. I told them I enjoyed spending time with them. I loved that our kids got along. I liked that my mother like them. I liked that we had a solid 12 years of friendship as a basis for a relationship. I poured my heart out. They, very kindly and gently, told me that they just didn't see me that way and they wanted to stay just friends. I accepted this like a trouper! I copped it on the chin and a week or so later we met up for one of our semi-regular catch up sessions. And it was fine. I was not embarrassed; it was not awkward.

That's how grown-ups do it.  Had I declared my undying love and that this person was my "destiny" I don't think I could ever have spoken to them again. But maybe if I'd gone all out, I could have made them feel obliged to say yes. That is not how it works. It is not okay. But it is all too common in how men speak to women. I watched "friends with benefits" the movie with in the movie has the man say to his beloved "I know you better than you know yourself". That's the high point. That's how he wins her. I would have slapped him. No one will ever know another person better than they know themselves and to presume you do is idiotic and says to your love interest that you do not think they have autonomy.

It didn't work for me; I took a shot and it failed. That's okay. I was honest about my feelings and beliefs. I did not assume the other persons feeling or beliefs. And I certainly did not claim that because I fancied them they had been especially created just for my pleasure and to fulfil my desires.

The sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me is "You're really smart." One of the reasons I liked that so much is that it was said with no agenda. It was not a way to get into my pants. It was not a hollow remark. It was an observation made by someone who's opinion I trust. If they had said I was their destiny, I would have walked away. Instead we are good friends. And that is a great thing.